“Play keeps us vital and alive. It gives us an enthusiasm for life that is irreplaceable. Without it, life just doesn’t taste good” -Lucia Capocchione
We had the pleasure of having all four of our grandchildren come up to the High Plains and stay with us for a while this summer. They were all four here at the same time for a week or so. It was a pleasure most of the time, but not always. I forgot just how needy and self-centered kids can be. Oh, and demanding.
“I’m Hungry.”
“I’m Thirsty.”
“I want Fruit Loops.”
“No, I don’t want to!”
“Grandpa, wipe my butt.”
The neediness wasn’t a big deal. I expected that, they’re kids. It was; the world revolves around me, self-centered, narcissism that sent me screaming up the wall. I even pondered whether it was some sort of mirror thing. You know, the Great Wide World reflecting my shadow back at me, or something. I started wondering if I was a narcissist and this was my wake up call.
I went and checked the mirror to see if like Narcissus, I was so enamored with my reflection that I couldn’t turn away. Nope, just mild approval for the nice shape of my head but my ears still looked funny, small and set at odd angles. Sort of difficult to look at for too long. I’m no narcissist but most kids are, at least until they get some social experience. The oldest two are about that age now, the younger two, not so much.
“The true object of all human life is play.” -G. K. Chesterton
When we were cute little babies we got used to being the center of the universe. Those were the days! When we needed food, we were fed. If we needed hugs, all we had to do was give a cute little baby smile and we received hugs galore. When we shit ourselves, someone sponged us down and even cooed to us while doing it. I wish I could get a little of that kind of attention and comfort now.
The attention can be a difficult thing to give up, even as we gain social awareness. So we develop self-important behaviors to get what we want. Playing the good girl role or acting out to gain attention through negative behaviors. These behaviors often follow us into adulthood and research suggests that we are becoming more narcissistic, both individually and collectively.
A couple of questionnaires designed to test for Narcissism and Empathy were developed in the late 70’s and have been administered to college students, since then. The analysis reveals that narcissism has steadily increased and empathy has decreased for more than 30 years. Here are the questionnaires if you care to have a look.
Don’t you want to know if you’re a Narcissist?
Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI)
Interpersonal Reactivity Index
Narcissist’s are usually unhappy and angry because the Great Wide World fails to recognize their obvious superiority. Deep and meaningful relationships needed to live happily ever after, evade them and they frequently fall victim to depression or addiction.
Narcissism is a serious problem, not to be taken lightly. Our society absolutely depends upon us taking care of each other. Can you imagine a world where everyone tramples over each other in their effort to win at all costs, completely indifferent to family, friends and humanity? Hmm. What a sad, sad, place the Great Wide World would be. 70% of the respondents to the questionnaires are more narcissistic and less empathetic than they were in the seventies. Why are we heading the wrong direction?
What’s going on?
We need to play more! Children learn how to live, how to solve their problems and deal with anger and fear through the act of playing. I watched the grandkids playing school one morning. The two oldest ones pretending to be the teachers and giving lessons to the little ones. Several spats broke out but I stayed quiet and sipped my coffee and watched, hoping to learn something.
“Play gives children a chance to practice what they are learning.” -Mr. Rogers
I don’t ever remember playing school back in the sixties when I grew up. It was Cowboys and Indians, Cops and Robbers or G.I. Joe fighting the Commie Pinko Scourge. But like Bob sang back then; The Times They are a Changin’.
Free play is how children learn empathy and practice life skills that are vital to their integration into the Great Wide World. It’s also a requirement to maintain and expand their creative potential and the key to overcoming our present trajectory towards narcissism. Play is voluntary. Players are free to quit whenever they want.
While I was watching the kids play school, three of them decided they were ready to quit because the other one forced their will a little too strongly and attempted to bully them into doing it their way. That didn’t fly very well with the other three. Angry words were spoken, tears were shed. They even resorted to asking me to interject as the only adult in the room. I told them, I was going to go pull some weeds in the garden and please try and resolve it without anyone getting an eye poked out.
“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.” -George Bernard Shaw
KIds know the other kids can quit anytime they want and will, when it stops being fun. It’s play, not work! To keep the fun going, they are driven to keep the other players happy. They learn to read the other kids emotions and understand their likes and dislikes. If they don’t learn, the others quit, leaving the bully sulking in the corner; alone. A tough punishment that hopefully teaches the offending child to try harder next time, to see things from the other kids perspective.
Playmates can be brutal and are quite adept at deflating one another’s egos using insults, humor and outright rejection, to school each other. The social interaction of free play teaches kids to empathize, negotiate and cooperate with each other.
“Necessity may be the mother of invention, but play is certainly the father.” -Roger von Oech
I think that was one of the advantages I had growing up in a large family, with siblings all close to the same age. There was little tolerance for anyone thinking they were special or above the rules. I didn’t get my way just because I thought I deserved it. Everything had to be negotiated. A life skill that seems to be in short supply in the present paradigm.
There is speculation that our current demise into narcissism might be the result of the self-esteem movement that manifested in the 80’s as the Boomer’s lavished praise on the Gen-Xer’s. Telling them how special, beautiful, smart and wonderful they were. Parents, teachers and even the Muppets on Sesame Street got into the act. In competitions, everyone got a trophy and were assured they could be anything they wanted to be. I know quite a few Gen-Xers though and I don’t think they bought the bullshit. If they did though, that is exactly what a narcissist would believe about themselves.
Another possibility that has a bit more merit is the increased pressure on adolescents to achieve. Beating others in competitions, getting into the best universities or winning individual sporting events. When we see each other as obstacles, a nemesis to be conquered or manipulated, to serve our own ends, that’s a very slippery slope that leads to, among other things; Narcissism.
“Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.” ― tom robbins
For what it’s worth, I’m squarely in the, we need to play more, camp. Let the kids play it out! Even if it means a black eye, once in awhile. That’s a much better outcome than growing up to be a Narcissist. We have become far too serious, fearful and cautious in the present paradigm. We need to start a merrymaking rebellion. We’ve lost our way and the only path that will lead us to salvation is laughter, fun and play.
Explore, Play, Create