We’ve been experiencing a bit of disharmony lately at 3mph.org. Vickie and I’ve been connected for over three and a half decades and we’ve lived in harmony for the largest percentage of that time. However, occasionally, during life changing events, like getting a new puppy, the stress that comes with change stretches nerves for awhile. At least until we’re able to iron out the new day to day stuff.
Any two humans, whatever their relationship, are not going to dance to the same beat every minute of every day. It’s important to give each other a little latitude in matters of coexistence. It’s easy to criticize, but when the shoe’s on the other foot; it sucks, right? It’s difficult to take criticism, whether it’s coming from your spouse, your boss or a total stranger.
“Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.” ~ George R.R. Martin
It Probably has Nothing to do with You
When someone criticizes you, your first instinct is to get defensive. It’s hard not to get trapped by the deep-rooted belief that criticism’s always personal. The thing is, criticism usually has nothing to do with you. The people who criticize you are almost always pointing out their own flaws – it’s transference. Your boss had a bad day, so he tells you that you’re a shitty employee.
Your wife freaks out at something you said or did, because her last partner or father or boyfriend said or did something similar. You don’t really know why someone’s criticizing you or whether they’re just going through a rough period. If you can stay focused and not take it personally, you can keep the situation from spiraling out of control.
No one’s perfect and expecting perfection or measuring yourself against it, almost always results in negative thinking, resentment or emotional distress. It’s important to acknowledge and accept your human imperfections, fallibility, and limitations. Perhaps you need to lower your expectations, for yourself and the others in your life who are also imperfect. Work to be competent, improve your performance over time and strive for excellence, not perfection.
The Four Agreements
It’s been over two decades since we first read, “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. You’d think that after twenty years, we would’ve assimilated at least one of the agreements. But I’m still a work in progress I guess, because I still catch myself daily, failing the second agreement.
The Second Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally. “Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.” ~ Don Miguel Ruiz
Ruiz is very clear, and it seems so obvious when I read the well crafted words. Yet in the heat of the moment, when my best friend lashes out at me because I’m the only other person in the room she can project her energy towards, I inevitably take it personally, even if for only a moment and get all defensive before even considering what’s actually happening. So instead of difusing the matter, I exacerbate it, with an ugly, defensive retort.
In retrospect, I think I’ve probably grasped the 2nd agreement well enough to protect and defend my own psyche, but that’s probably not enough. A true master doesn’t just protect and defend himself, he protects and defends those closest to him. In fact he often sacrifices himself to protect and defend his tribe. Part of my neurosis around arguing comes from my youth, I suppose. Both my parents were well read and very opinionated.
They enjoyed sparring with words and it rubbed off I reckon but I’m beginning to learn after several decades, that winning the debate really doesn’t account for much in the grand scheme of things. There are a lot better opportunities to teach and mentor than to win an argument. Even if you win an argument with someone you love, you lose. The pain caused by words can hurt as much as a well thrown punch. Pause. Breathe. A slow five count in, a slow five count out. Actions, not reactions are the key to keeping “Right in Tune.”